Coping with Grief

Grief is a normal reaction to loss. You may not understand all the feelings you are going through as you get used to life without your loved one. Read the following three articles taken from the funeral home’s quarterly bereavement newsletter, Step by Step to gain some insight into how to cope with your grief. If you would like a copy of the newsletter email alicep@jtmorriss.com.

After the Funeral Is Over

A widow said, “If I had known ahead of time how desperately I would need help later, I would have replaced that guest book in the funeral home with a calendar, asking each visitor to designate a day in the future on which he/she would console by way of a visit, a card, or a phone call.” She said it is like a person handing a child twenty cones of ice cream at once and the child not knowing how to respond. Then on a hot day, when the ice cream would be welcomed, no cones are offered.

Loneliness is a normal part of loss. But a wise man once said, “don’t experience loneliness alone!” The first days following a loss are often filled with an overwhelming number of visits, calls, cards, and food, food and more food. We find it is too much to take in: too much of a good thing. Later, after the rush of good intentions, we look around and find ourselves alone, and needing companionship.
Trust yourself to know when the time is right for interaction. Find new adventures through friends, church and civic groups. Often your friends are not sure what they should do and will respond warmly to your slightest initiative. Don’t wait for others to come to you. Find new life in the people around you and begin your road of discovery and recovery.

The Farmer & the Rock

For years an old farmer who lived at the turn of the century plowed around a large rock in one of his fields. It was a source of frustration for the farmer because he had broken several plowshares and a cultivators on it. He had grown rather morbid about the rock in the field. One day after breaking another plowshare and remembering all the trouble the rock has caused him over the years, he finally decided to do something about it.

Whatever it took, the farmer was determined to remove the rock from his field and out of his life. When he placed his crowbar under the rock, he was astonished to discover that it was only about six inches thick. So he broke up the rock into small pieces and carted it away. He had to smile, remembering all the trouble the rock has caused him and how easy it would have been to get rid of it sooner.
Bereavement can be like a rock in your life. Like the old farmer, you try to “plow” around the dilemma but eventually grief, like any trouble or trial, must be faced. Overwhelming grief must be “carted away” in small pieces.

Ways to Take Small Steps in the Field of Grief

• Sign up for a grief workshop.
• Read a few good books on grief.
• Attend a bereavement support group.
• Share feelings with a trusted listener.
• Seek spiritual direction from a pastor, rabbi or other religious leader

The Healing Process

The death of someone you love changes your life forever. It creates a feeling of extreme loss. This loss is known as grief. No one will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Your grief is unique. The way you experience grief will be influenced by a variety of factors such as the relationship you had with the person who died; the circumstances surrounding the death; your emotional support system and your cultural religious background.

As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your own special way. Try not to compare your experience with that of other people. Allow yourself to slow down and take one day at a time in order to grieve at your own pace.

Be patient with yourself and take time to accept your loved one’s death. You are adjusting to a new reality. One widow, who used to wake up at night and reach out for her deceased husband, created a new reality by sleeping on his side of the bed. She made a physical change that led to a psychological adjustment.

Because grief can be so painful and seem overwhelming, it frightens us. Many people worry if they are grieving the “right” way and wonder if the feelings they have are normal. It is important for you to realize that what you are experiencing is normal, natural and the expected response to the loss of a significant person in your life.

Author, educator, and grief counselor, Dr. Alan Wolfelt is well known for his compassionate messages about healing in grief. He declares that the experience of grief is powerful and he reminds us that our ability to help ourselves heal is powerful too.

The healing process opens up a new chapter of your life. Remember, grief is not forever.