Children & Grief

One of the first opportunities that you have to help a child express their grief after a death is the funeral ritual itself.

The Why…Help the child understand why we have funerals. A funeral is a time to honor the person who died and time to help comfort and support each other. It is a time to affirm that life goes on. Funerals are also a time to say goodbye. By saying goodbye we acknowledge that the person we loved is dead and cannot come back.

Explain…Unless they have attended a funeral before, children don’t know what to expect. You can help by explaining what will happen before, during and after the ceremony. Let the child’s questions and natural curiosity guide the discussion.

Give as many specifics as the child seems interested in hearing. You might tell her/him how the room will look, who will be coming and how long everyone will be there. When possible, arrange for the child to visit the funeral home before the funeral. This allows the child more freedom to react and talk openly about feelings and concerns.

If the body is to be viewed either at a visitation or at the funeral itself, let the child know this in advance. Explain what the casket and body will look like. If the body is to be cremated, explain what cremation means and what will happen to the ashes. Be sure the child understands that because the person is dead, he does not feel pain or anything at all during cremation.

Tell the child that they will see people expressing a wide variety of emotions at the funeral. They will see tears, straight faces and hear laughter. If adults are able to openly show feelings, including crying, children will feel much freer to express their own loss in their own way.

Include…When appropriate, ask the child not only to attend the funeral but to take part in it. For instance they might share a favorite memory, read a special poem, light a candle or place a special drawing or photo into the casket.

Encourage, don’t force…Children should be encouraged to attend and participate in funerals, but never forced. When they are lovingly guided through the process, most want to attend. Offer the child options: “you can come to the visitation today with everyone else or if you want, I can take just you this morning so you can say goodbye in private.”

Understand and accept…Remember that children often need to accept grief in doses and that outward signs of grief may come and go. It is not unusual, for example, for children to want to rough house with their cousins during the visitation or play video games right after the funeral. Respect the child’s need to be a child during this difficult time. If the child’s behavior is disturbing others, tell them to remember to respect the feelings of other mourners—including yours.

Be there…Being there for the bereaved child before, during and after the funeral is the most important thing you can do to help. When we grieve, we all need support from others. Grieving children, especially need to know they are not alone. Physical closeness and comfort are reassuring to children during times of distress. What you say may not be as important as a touch on the shoulder, a hand on the back or a shoulder to cry on.

Seven Ways to Guide Children Through Grief

Always tell the truth. Explain what happened and why, using simple direct language. Use the correct words: people die, are dead, were killed. Be sure to provide some information on why the death happened or children may fill in any blanks with creative connections. Children without facts are more likely to blame themselves for causing or contributing to the death.

Let children know that the emotions they are experiencing are normal. Grief is more than sadness. Adults and children feel anger, fear, confusion, guilt, and relief, as well as sadness, when someone dies. These feeling are not good or bad. They are just normal.

Let children’s actions as well as their words guide you to what they are feeling.

Children, especially young ones, will express a lot of their fear, anger and sadness through behavior. They may be withdrawn, hyperactive, clingy, destructive, and they might feel physically sick sometimes. Many children temporarily regress to how they behaved at a younger age. Actions may be their only way to tell caregivers, “I’m mad, I’m worried, I’m scared, I’m confused, I’m hurt.”

Help children understand the behavior of adults around them. Children may be confused by changes in behavior and the variety of reactions they see in adults around them. Uncle John might be angry, Aunt Jane constantly tearful, and Grandpa silent and withdrawn. Young children, in particular, need to know that it is not their behavior that is causing the upset.

Protect children’s rights to be and remain children. Do not allow or encourage children and adolescents to step into adult roles because of the loss. Grieving children need routines, structure and discipline so their world can stay as normal as possible. Children and teens do not lose their need to socialize and have fun. They can be grieving hard one minute and playing hard the next: this does not mean they do not care. Children want to fit back in as soon as possible.

Allow children to participate in the rituals of saying good-bye. Funerals are for the whole family. Children should be given the choice of whether they attend services after they have been given very clear detailed descriptions of what to expect. Smaller children should be included for short periods of time and someone should be available to answer questions and move small children on to their next activity. Children who are not allowed to go to funeral will wonder what was so horrible that they couldn’t see it, or will get the message that they are not important enough, or competent enough to be included.

Know when to get help. A question parents often have is, “How do I know if my child needs professional help?” Any kind of extreme behavior is an obvious red flag. These behaviors include suicide threats; serious destructive acts toward people, property or animals; frequent episodes of panic; and drug or alcohol abuse. Other changes that probably warrant evaluation are an inability or unwillingness to socialize, a significant decline in schoolwork, or continued denial (in words or behavior) that the death has happened. Young people may also need assistance if they had a difficult relationship with the person who died. Sometimes there is confusion surrounding the death—misinformation, lies, or a delay in notification and this may place the young person at risk of coping poorly. A child who is feeling a sense of responsibility for the death also needs individual support.

Vocabulary of Funeral Terms for Children

Remember to use simple, concrete language when talking to children about death. Here are some suggestions for explaining funeral terms.

• Ashes: What is left of a dead body (all of the person) after cremation. The ashes looks like ashes from a fire. Ashes are also called “cremains."
• Burial: Placing the dead person (which is inside a casket and a vault) into the ground.
• Casket: A wood or metal box in which the dead person is buried.
• Cemetery: A place for burying dead human bodies or cremated remains.
• Cremation: The process of turning the body into a fine ash called cremated remains, which can be stored in an urn, scattered or buried.
• Dead: When a person’s body stops working, it doesn’t see, hear, feel, eat or breathe anymore
• Deceased: The person who died
• Funeral: A special service so that families, friends and neighbors can gather and say goodbye; remember the person who died and comfort the family.
• Funeral Director: A person who cares for the body before burial and helps the family with details of the funeral.
• Funeral Home: The special place where dead people are cared for until they are buried. Many visitations and funerals take place there.
• Grave: The hole in the ground in the cemetery where the deceased is buried.
• Grief: The thoughts and feelings individuals have after someone’s death.
• Hearse: The special car that drives the casket to the grave.
• Obituary: A special newspaper article that tells about the person who died.
• Pallbearer: Special friends who help carry the casket at the funeral.
• Vault: A box of concrete or steel that protects the casket in the ground. The casket fits inside the vault.
• Viewing: The time for family and friends, if they wish to look at the body.
• Visitation: Time when friends and family come together to honor the
  deceased by sharing memories and stories about the deceased